Monday, 13 February 2012

The Mawkish Side

Am here smiling to my screen, this song has become my favorite this month and days to come, my moods are high and I know this day will be good. All alone in my room I can do whatever I want today, but back in my mind I know the handout for this week’s exam paper is waiting in my drawer. This is the last clip am watching……!!
Deep in the sunshine of the morning before noon, my day is not settled but all is well. My sister calls for some assistance and I assure her,” its fine soon as I come out of the room.”My friend from home calls and asks how I am. “Am fine, just indoors for some revisions.”
The third call from my aunt came and before I could start asking myself why everyone is calling, the fateful call came. In an instance I was another person, my dad is gone!!!!!
I got silent; I thought of my mum, my brother and my sisters and the world didn’t seem to add up my questions. I called mum and her word were those from a loving mother; composed, thoughtful and reassuring. I couldn’t even cry, how is my family now, what are supposed to happen now, how, why, when?
It’s been almost three months now; I still wonder why it wasn’t different, why I didn’t call every day to say how much I loved him! I remember his every word and wonder why I can’t hear them anymore. I wonder what will ever fill this hole you left, who will ever answer all these questions I have.
I thank God for I managed to be strong, and my family survived in His grace. I always ask myself what would be different but I tell myself what’s happening is what should. I make sure I move another step and make sure all my family is fine.
“I didn’t say enough times how much I love you, I only wish you knew. I promise to keep mum and siblings together like you always kept us. We eat in the table room and talk like you were there, how you always were concerned with school, how you gave stories and joked about mum. I miss you dad, we all miss you.
I finish my final year in two months, Hellen is still fine and she takes care of all of us too, Rachael is also fine and the strongest among us, Philip I doing his KCPE this year and promised to attain 400 marks, Mary and Agnes are fine too but I worry everyday whether they understand. Above all mum misses you so much, I see it in her eyes, I hear it in her voice. She works so hard for us. Right now she is trying to fill so many forms to make sure all is fine.
I always wonder where she gets her strength, when am in school I worry there is no one to care for her, to listen to her problems, to make her smile and assure her that all is fine. I always pray that God keeps her strong for every one of us. I promised you I would take care of her and I will.
I don’t want to shed more tears become someone might see me cry and they woudn’t understand so I’ll stop writing this and hope you are watching over us all. We love you, we always remember you and your teachings.
Goodbye for now! I “

“It’s morning again,
I survived another sunset,
Another look at mum, and I smile,
She, the angel he left for us.”
And then you dawn with that last step
The doors are all closed, you can't go back
But through those glass walls you see the past
And all the good things all there with the cast
The images in my mind seems so fresh

What becomes of these dreams I harbor
What will happen to these days I labour?
While I thought of placing on someone
This responsibility that is my life
All over a sudden others have theirs on me

That time when you get the unmentioned
And your life and that of family unmotioned
Yet somehow I must act like he taught me
Be a man and show that in me he bore
And am worthy to be the guardian

I miss you dad, each passing sunset
You taught me how to live, and love what may
The importance of friends, family and God for all
I worry,
You didn’t show me how to live without you
But I love that you made sure I live after you


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