Tuesday, 25 June 2013

My way to sanity

This is not a love letter, it's a note about an occurrence, a mere one, nothing strange, unheard or magical. Hope this calms your urge to read something well written, romantic or sweetly poetic.

I don't dream at night, not as often as I should, neither when I callously wish I would. I only day dream, I sit and think, I stare and imagine, I lean and watch things in my head, I fantasize.

I will write this for posterity, for keeps, for future laughter creation when reciting a vivid moment. This for my child who will want to know something about dad, about whether one day I was young and wild, to identify with me, to want to share everything with me.
This for you , a soul far away who would inspire such fantasy, such moments, such intense tickling, such insanity.

"He with secret joy, secret love, therefore do tickle inwardly in every vein."

This is a dream a phantasy, a thought, a moment.

A far-flung town, a bus station, waiting for my connecting bus, fighting with boredom and sleep, reading a book, that's increasingly laborious and torturous; a dying plot and character that are losing their character and purpose.

This like my favourite writer said, "Life in transition is what airports are." Only am waiting for a bus, thus is just a temporaly abode to people who don't belong. People in pursuit of meetings, deals, loved ones.... people running to or away ffrom loved ones, or worse; from themselves.

We are many waiting, slouch on the cold dirty chairs, we stretch out, our luggage acting as support. We are reading, staring inti space, sinking into ourselves. Sipping from cans, and eating to kill time.

I am in a lonely place, it's noisy, it is engaging with all these hawkers, travellers, idlers, preachers and touts but lonely, lonely for me, because I don't want to be here. That is until you emerge amongest the layers of people, you are young, and terrifyingly beautiful. You are a lady, I can tell you are accustomed to attention, you used to more than a few eyes staring.

I am there standinng now, weak, wasted with cold buttocks from the chairs, we are saying goodbyes, so you desperately cling to me, oblivious of the weariness of the stage and anybody else. My eyes are kissing into your unnaturally beautiful ass, a photoshopped ass, am helping the dudes who are watching us, who are almost bitter you hugged me, they want to come and tell you all my secrets, about my shapeless toe, my big forehead and my funny thumb, hell they want to  say something to make you jump and leave me there.

We are kissing with unsettling urgency. We are kissing with a passion only reserved for late night TV shows, a deep searching kiss that no doubt stirred something in everybody who was watching - or pretending not to watch.One eye is galf open, I can see yours deeply shut, Its loojing spooky for me or to anyone watching me. We still there trying to feel it in all levels and standards of intimacy, but it didn't achieve that, instead it looked raw and somewhat inwordly.

We could occasionally break this tight embrace and stare intensely into each other's eyes, a long drilling stare, that seemed more spiritual than romantic.I am telling you something, my lips are moving and you are shaking your head, nodding, agreeing, desperately agreeing to everything I am saying. All this time your eyes not leaving mine, your lips trembling slightly, I can see the throbbing of your heart against the base of your neck, a rapid thudding, drumming away against your ebony fresh.

As we immortalize our final moments together, the imaginary minute-hand ticked conspiratorially, urging time to catch up with us, to cut us short, to separate us.... your eyes became waterly, your face was moaning. You made me doubt my move, my travelling.

Suddenly I want tio say something reassuring, something to change the situation, some words to dry your tears. Before I open my mouth, someone taps me from behind.
I TURNED, I WOKE UP!!  Too bad.

"I'm finding my way back to sanity. Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there. I take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

Away in the deepest paths of the night, I can't call or text, 'Cause I am hanging on every word we ainn't saying, even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing

It's where I wanna be, I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth ,and I'm trying to identify the voices in my head

Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel. And break these calluses off me one more time

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